


Pure Angst

by Hbtrashandrants2013



Category: Hidden Block (Video Blogging RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depressing, Multi, Sad, im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-08-27 22:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8419456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hbtrashandrants2013/pseuds/Hbtrashandrants2013
Summary: Sad and angsty stories by me. I write too much depressing stuff to not have this.





	1. About 40 Years Later (Caddicks)

**Author's Note:**

> I cried while writing this 
> 
> prompt by the hanbaniverse

"Gran! Why did you grow up and live in somewhere so beautiful?" Tori pulls on my faded blue Cardigan and her little brother Bertie is too busy playing with my little Scottie dog Pickles III to care. As my middle child, mine and Nico's daughter, Becca, had come back to Oxfordshire to look to live here,I decided to take her kids of her for an hour or so and take them round Thame to see where I spent those wonderful 10 and a half years before everything went wrong.

_Rosaline_ _Caddick_ _._ _A_ _65_ _year_ _old_ _woman_ _married_ _to_ _an_ _ex_ _twitch_ _streamer_ _and_ _herself_ _an_ _ex-YouTuber_ _._ _I_ _have_ _4_ _children_ _:_ _Thomas,_ _Rebecca_ _,_ _Alex and_ _Brooke_ _._ _But_ _._ _Even_ _through_ _I_ _have_ _10_ _wonderful_ _grankids_ _,_ _life_ _hasn't_ _been_ _perfect_ _._ _My_ _kids_ _never_ _met_ _someone_ _._ _He_ _died_ _6_ _months_ _before_ _me_ _and_ _Nico_ _got_ _married_ _. 5th_ _April_ _2017._ _My_ _friends_ _know_ _._ _They_ _weren't_ _there_ _,_ _but_ _some_ _got_ _affected._ _I_ _was_ _there_ _._ _I_ _watched_ _him_ _die_ _._

I sit down on the bench that looks over the river. "Gran? Why do you love this place so much? Grandad said it was your special place.." I smile at Tori and call Bertie over. "This is what I call the Croft river,after Laura Croft. When I was about Tori's age me and my friends used to roleplay Tomb Raider by the river. I spent days and days there. Your Grandad asked me out there,under the bridge. Shane Gill, my friend and sorta boss from when I was a YouTubers,had a picnic with a group of us by the river." The kids look up at me. "Grandad and you went out from standing under the bridge?" Bertie asks. I nod and see Tori's eager eyes light up:"Tell us more! There must be more!" I sigh. "Well this area was where your parents used to hide from me after I caught your dad smoking. There was the time my friend Joe pushed Lucy,my other friend in,drunk swimming,you name it,it happened." I look down,and feel water dripping down my face and I quickly wipe my eyes. "Can you tell us a sad one? There must be one..." I look at the sunset and a memory,of not the Gaming hideout or the woods have; but Thame itself....

_"_ _Why_ _is_ _that_ _stupid_ _game_ _so_ _special_ _?_ _Its_ _a_ _game_ _Rosie_ _!_ _A_ _Video_ _Game_ _!"_ _I_ _could_ _see_ _my_ _brother_ _is_ _trying_ _to_ _hold_ _back_ _tears_ _. "_ _James_ _..._ _Its_ _not_ _the_ _fact_ _it_ _is_ _a_ _game_ _,_ _it_ _is_ _the_ _fact_ _someone_ _stole_ _it_ _from_ _my_ _bag_ _!"_ _James_ _bursts_ _into_ _tears_ _. "_ _I_ _give_ _up_ _!_ _No_ _one_ _flipping_ _cares_ _anymore_ _!_ _I_ _tell_ _you_ _while_ _you_ _were_ _globetrotting_ _with_ _your_ _silly_ _little_ _friends_ _,_ _I've_ _lost_ _my_ _home_ _,_ _my_ _girlfriend_ _hates_ _me_ _and_ _now_ _my_ _own_ _family_ _think_ _I'm_ _worthless_ _because_ _I'm_ _a_ _depressed_ _faggot_ _that_ _can't_ _go_ _into_ _town_ _,_ _without_ _breaking_ _down_ _!_ _You_ _don't_ _know_ _whats_ _its_ _like_ _Rosie_ _._ _It's_ _hell_ _!_ _And_ _you_ _helped_ _create_ _it_ _!_ _You_ _and_ _your_ _..._ _Your_ _stupid_ _boyfriend_ _._ ** _Just_** ** _go_** ** _away_** ** _Rose_** ** _!_** _"_ _I_ _swear_ _at_ _him_ _and_ _slam_ _the_ _old wooden_ _bedroom_ _door_ _to_ _the_ _spare_ _room_ _._ _I_ _could_ _hear_ _my_ _brother's_ _ragged_ _cries_ _ever_ _few_ _seconds_ _._ _I_ _walk_ _to_ _the_ _stairs_ _and_ _then_ _decide_ _to_ _turn_ _on_ _my_ _heel_ _and_ _shout_ _at_ _the_ _close_ _door_ _:"_ _YOU'RE_ _ARE_ _SUCH_ _A_ _FLIPPING_ _BABY_ _SOMETIMES_ _JAMES_ _!_ _JUST_ _GROW_ _UP_ _,_ _IT'S_ _NOT_ _LIKE_ _YOUR_ _ANXIETY_ _IS_ _GONNA_ _KILL_ _YOU_ _!"_ _I_ _hear_ _no_ _response_ _,_ _until_ _I_ _see_ _my_ _brother_ _leave_ _the_ _room_ _,_ _face_ _tears_ _stained_ _and_ _red_ _._ _He_ _goes_ _into_ _the_ _bathroom_ _and_ _he_ _shuts_ _the_ _door_ _._ ** _How_** ** _didn't_** ** _I_** ** _go_** ** _and_** ** _check_** ** _him_** ** _,_** ** _I_** ** _knew_** ** _he_** ** _was_** ** _depressed_** ** _and_** ** _unhappy_** ** _after_** ** _this_** ** _._** ** _I_** ** _should_** ** _of_** ** _stopped_** ** _him_** ** _. No_**  
 ** _I_** ** _carried_** ** _on_** ** _down_** ** _the_** ** _stairs_** ** _to_** ** _go_** ** _out_** ** _and_** ** _see_** ** _Liam_** ** _,_** ** _Andy_** ** _and_** ** _Lucy_** ** _._** _A_ _decision_ _I_ _have_ _regretted_ _since_ _that_ _day_ _..._

I feel Tori hug me and I hug her back. "What's wrong Gran? Why are you crying?" Bertie cuddles up to me. I sighed "come on let's go back home babies,Gran getting a bit tired. They jump off the bench and we all head back to the small home I got when my mum died. The kids ran on ahead, giving me time to think about the event. How much did I cause him to-*gulp*  cause him to take his own life? I wish I could do a Max Caufield and rewind time and change this future. But that's just a game me and Liam played,not a possible thing. I need to talk to Nico when we get back as today is special. Well. It would of been the date of James' wedding that he nearly  got stood up at. There was a lot of things that went wrong that year.

_"_ _Rosie_ _wins_ _this_ _one_ _."_ _Shane_ _spins_ _the_ _'_ _Truth_ _or_ _dare'_ _wheel_ _._ _It_ _lands_ _on_ _Ian_ _._ _Jeff_ _takes_ _another_ _swig_ _of_ _beer_ _from_ _his_ _third_ _can_ _:"_ _Luke_ _._ _What's_ _shall_ _Ian_ _have_ _to_ _do_ _?_ _Truth_ _or_ _Dare_ _?"_ _Luke_ _shouts_ _dare_ _!_ _And_ _Austin's_ _eyes_ _light_ _up_ _,_ _and_ _I_ _see_ _Ian_ _get_ _..._ _Scared_ _?_ _Its_ _just_ _a_ _game_ _,_ _why_ _is_ _he_ _? "_ _Ian_ _._ _You_ _and_ _Caddy_ _have_ _to_ _make_ _out_ _."_ _Jimmy_ _crumples_ _his_ _current_ _can_ _and_ _opens_ _another_ _._ _Austin_ _and_ _the_ _rest_ _agree_ _._ _My_ _brother_ _just_ _sighs_ _;_ _turns_ _to_ _Ian_ _and_ _shuffle_ _closer_ _:"_ _Let's_ _get_ _this_ _over_ _and_ _done_ _with_ _."_ _He_ _puts_ _down_ _his_ _can_ _(_ _which_ _is_ _quickly_ _finished_ _up_ _by_ _Dazz_ _)_ _and_ _Ian_ _does_ _the_ _same_ _(_ _however_ _._ _I_ _don't_ _like_ _the_ _beer_ _,_ _so_ _I_ _don't_ _steal_ _the_ _can_ _and_ _carry_ _on_ _drinking_ _my_ _glass_ _of_ _alcoholic_ _beverage_ _of_ _choice_ _)._ _The_ _two_ _of_ _them_ _hug_ _each_ _other_ _and_ _their_ _lips_ _interlock_ _._ _They_ _kiss_ _for_ _about_ _30_ _to_ _60_ _seconds_ _before_ _Ian_ _knocks_ _them_ _onto_ _each_ _other_ _on_ _the_ _floor_ _._ _Laughter_ _follows_ _and_ _they_ _rejoin_ _us_ _at_ _the_ _dining_ _room_ _table_ _,_ _James_ _getting_ _himself_ _a_ _can_ _of_ _beer_ _._ _Jarad_ _spins_ _the_ _wheel_ _next_ _..._

"Look at my little monkeys!" Nico greets us when we walk back into the house. "And my tired looking granny monkey. Now who wants hot chocolate?" Tori and Bertie cheer and follow their grandad into the kitchen to make them as sweet as possible. I flop into my chair and look at the photos on the mantelpiece. One of all the kids and grandkids,me and Nico's wedding,a few at various cons and holidays. One stands out though (out of mine,not Nico's) its a photo of me and James with Angus in the park in about 2011. I was smiling,my black tiger T-shirt still bright and new looking. I was 15. I didn't know what was gonna happen in the coming 5 odd years. James was dresses how I remember. White top,dark blue jeans. The mop of brown hair looks as curly as it was, his hazel eyes have that sly spark in them. My mum and her partner are hugging us. I known what is written on the back on the photo 'a perfect family. July 2011. _It_ _wasn't_ _perfect_ _,_ _was_ _it_ _mother_ _?_ _If_ _James_ _felt_ _it_ _needed_ _to_ _end_ _it_ _all_ _?_

When Becca returned home,she joined us in the living room. Nico then gets up and shows me a Scarlett photo album. "Kat found this,Rose, reckon it was from the house by the river. Thought you want it." The younger generations looked curious. "Well,children" I say joining Nico on the sofa. "Here is a Caddick photo album. This one is  special in the fact that they have many photos of me and granny in them." Becca moves it to her lap and the kids and her look though it. "Come on",I feel Nico's arm and the two of us go and make the beds up for our guests.

_James_ _Caddick_ _19th_ _June_ _1994-5th_ _April_ _2017._ _I_ _look_ _down_ _at_ _the_ _smooth_ _head_ _stone_ _of_ _my_ _brother's_ _grave_ _._ _I_ _sigh_ _,_ _wiping_ _back_ _tears_ _:"_ _Brother_ _Jim_ _._ _Why_ _did_ _you_ _do_ _this_ _?_ _I_ _don't_ _hate_ _you_ _,_ _I_ _never_ _will_ _or_ _have_ _,_ _so why_ _did_ _you_ _think_ _that_ _people_ _did_ _?_ _Why_ _did_ _you_ _kill_ _yourself-_ _"_ _my_ _crying_ _got_ _heavier_ _and_ _I_ _feel_ _a_ _hand_ _on_ _my_ _shoulder_ _: "_ _Come_ _on_ _Rosie_ _,_ _it's_ _getting_ _dark_ _and_ _I_ _can't_ _bare_ _to_ _see_ _you_ _cry_ _anymore_ _"_ _I_ _look_ _up_ _to_ _see_ _Conner's_ _arm_ _around_ _me_ _._ _I_ _look_ _down_ _._ _Why_ _did_ _today_ _happen_ _._

_"_ _ROSIE_ _!"_ _I_ _walk_ _into_ _my_ _brother's_ _room_ _,_ _to_ _see_ _him_ _sitting_ _on_ _a_ _cardboard_ _box_ _,_ _running_ _his_ _hands_ _through_ _his_ _short_ _hair_ _. "_ _I_ _know_ _this_ _is_ _going_ _to_ _be_ _weird_ _,_ _but_ _can_ _you_ _help_ _me_ _."_ _I_ _sigh_ _. "_ _Come_ _on_ _,_ _I'll_ _help_ _you_ _pack_ _._ _Worried_ _about_ _America_ _?"_ _He_ _pulls_ _that_ _'_ _you_ _know_ _and_ _I_ _know_ _to'_ _"_ _and_ _..._ _And_ _moving_ _._ _I_ _am_ _scared_ _Rosie_ _._ _I_ _feel_ _sick_ _._ _What_ _if-_ _"_ _I_ _cut_ _his_ _ramble_ _off_ _by_ _hugging_ _him_ _. "_ _It'll_ _be_ _fine_ _._ _You're_ _safe_ _,_ _non one_ _gonna_ _shoot_ _you_ _in_ _Texas_ _and_ _I_ _promise_ _you_ _you'll_ _have_ _an_ _amazing_ _time_ _."_ _I_ _feel_ _his_ _head_ _rest_ _on_ _my_ _shoulder_ _._ _ **That**_ _ **was**_ _ **the**_ _ **start**_ _ **of**_ _ **the**_ _ **next**_ _ **three**_ _ **years**_ _ **of**_ _ **madness**_ _ **.**_

When me and Nico said goodnight the kids Tori asks me something I wasn't expecting:"Gran,who's the man in that photo with [Great] Uncle Ian? With the pretty eyes? Mum said you'd know." Nico smiles and saids she'd find out tomorrow. Its late now,go to bed. I smile and say "Sweetie,he's an angel. He watches over our family to make sure no one is unhappy." I wipe a tear from my eye and walks out. I smile at the stars splatted along the midnight blue sky:"I know you are James. Making sure your baby sister is happy and that she's safe." I wrap my  around the necklace. He's always been there and I known that. **The** **Angel** **of** **Oxford** **.**

_Me_ _and_ _Kits_ _are_ _clearing_ _out_ _James'_ _stuff_ _when_ _a_ _photo_ _album_ _falls_ _off_ _the_ _DVD_ _shelf_ _,_ _narrowly_ _missing_ _Stanley_ _. "_ _I_ _didn't_ _know_ _he_ _still_ _had_ _that_ _._ _Its_ _the_ _album_ _from_ _SGC_ _and_ _EGX_ _2014."_ _Kits_ _gets_ _off_ _the_ _ladder_ _,_ _her_ _Dan_ _and_ _Phil_ _top_ _glowing_ _in_ _the_ _sunset_ _._ _She_ _joins_ _me_ _and_ _we_ _turn_ _the_ _pages_ _of_ _photos_ _of_ _Hidden Block_ _and_ _our_ _other_ _friends_ _grinning_ _and_ _having_ _a_ _good_ _time._ _I_ _smile_ _and_ _look_ _at_ _the_ _timed_ _of_ _fun_ _._ _When_ _I_ _get_ _to_ _the_ _last_ _page_ _,_ _I_ _notice_ _a_ _old_ _photo_ _from_ _when_ _men and_ _James_ _first_ _went_ _to_ _America_ _._ _The_ _photo_ _in_ _Central_ _Park_ _._ _Kits_ _picks_ _up_ _a_ _note_ _. "_ _This_ _fell_ _out_ _from_ _that_ _New_ _York_ _photo_ _._ _I_ _think_ _you_ _should_ _read_ _it_ _..."_ _She_ _leaves_ _me_ _and_ _I_ _put_ _the_ _book_ _down_ _,_ _and_ _read_ _the_ _note_ _:_

_**Dear** _ _**Rosie** _ _**,** _   
_**Whenever** _ _**you** _ _**are** _ _**reading** _ _**this** _ _**,** _ _**happy** _ _**birthday** _ _**and** _ _**I** _ _**hope** _ _**you** _ _**have** _ _**a** _ _**had** _ _**had** _ _**a** _ _**good** _ _**year** _ _**.** _ _**I** _ _**know** _ _**I** _ _**need** _ _**to** _ _**wrote** _ _**this** _ _**,** _ _**I** _ _**got** _ _**to** _ _**explain** _ _**stuff** _ _**like** _ _**an** _ _**Aftermath** _ _**Suicide** _ _**note** _ _**or** _ _**my** _ _**apology** _ _**to** _ _**you** _ _**or** _ _**the** _ _**next** _ _**generations** _ _**who** _ _**will** _ _**probably** _ _**go** _ _**through** _ _**this** _ _**before** _ _**you** _ _**will** _ _**...** _

_**Don't** _ _**blame** _ _**yourself** _ _**for** _ _**me** _ _**taking** _ _**my** _ _**own** _ _**life** _ _**.** _ _**It** _ _**wasn't** _ _**your** _ _**fault** _ _**.** _ _**I** _ _**wasn't** _ _**happy** _ _**.** _ _**Having** _ _**multiple** _ _**panic** _ _**attacks** _ _**takes** _ _**a** _ _**toll** _ _**on** _ _**you** _ _**for** _ _**a** _ _**better** _ _**way** _ _**to** _ _**explain** _ _**.** _ _**I** _ _**know** _ _**that** _ _**we** _ _**aren't** _ _**the** _ _**nicest** _ _**to** _ _**each** _ _**other** _ _**but** _ _**I** _ _**wouldn't** _ _**wish** _ _**you** _ _**to** _ _**live** _ _**in** _ _**my** _ _**hell** _ _**.** _ _**I** _ _**deserve** _ _**it** _ _**for being** _ _**a** _ _**horrible** _ _**brother** _ _**.** _

_**If** _ _**you** _ _**are** _ _**the** _ _**one** _ _**who** _ _**discovers** _ _**me** _ _**first,** _ _**don't** _ _**call** _ _**for** _ _**an** _ _**ambulance** _ _**first** _ _**,** _ _**call** _ _**the** _ _**police** _ _**and** _ _**say** _ __ _**took** _ _**my** _ _**own** _ _**life** _ _**.** _ _**I** _ _**don't** _ _**want** _ _**those** _ _**people** _ _**who** _ _**said** _ _**they** _ _**could** _ _**help** _ _**me** _ _**to** _ _**make** _ _**your** _ _**lives** _ _**miserable** _ _**like** _ _**mine** _ _**was** _ _**.** _ _**I** _ _**couldn't** _ _**watch** _ _**that** _ _**from** _ _**heaven** _ _**.** _

_**Mum** _ _**will** _ _**be** _ _**upset** _ _**,** _ _**I** _ _**know** _ _**she** _ _**will** _ _**be** _ _**.** _ _**Look** _ _**after** _ _**her** _ _**and** _ _**promise** _ _**if** _ _**she** _ _**is** _ _**thinking** _ _**of** _ _**copying** _ _**me** _ _**,talk her** _ _**out** _ _**of** _ _**it,** _ _**you** _ _**won't** _ _**be** _ _**able** _ _**to** _ _**be** _ _**with** _ _**me** _ _**.** _ _**Give** _ _**HB** _ _**a** _ _**big** _ _**hug** _ _**for** _ _**me** _ _**,** _ _**I** _ _**feel** _ _**like** _ _**they** _ _**will** _ _**need** _ _**it** _ _**,** _ _**especially** _ _**Ian** _ _**.** _ _**I** _ _**still** _ _**have** _ _**my** _ _**band** _ _**/** _ _**ring** _ _**on** _ _**don't** _ _**worry** _ _**,Ian.** _

_**Also** _ _**.** _ _**Marry** _ _**Nico** _ _**.** _ _**Marry** _ _**Liam** _ _**.** _ _**Whoever** _ _**you** _ _**end** _ _**up** _ _**with,** _ _**I** _ _**have** _ _**my** _ _**faith** _ _**they'll** _ _**look** _ _**after** _ _**you** _ _**.** _ _**Have** _ _**a** _ _**family** _ _**and** _ _**always** _ _**know** _ _**this** _ _**.** _ _**I** _ _**love** _ _**you** _ _**and** _ _**you'll** _ _**always** _ _**be** _ _**my** _ _**baby** _ _**sister** _ _**and** _ _**I** _ _**will** _ _**watch** _ _**over** _ _**you** _   
_**Never** _ _**forget** _ _**that** _ _**.** _

_**From** _ _**your** _ _**Brother** _ _**Jim** _ _**.** _ _**For** _ _**ever** _ _**and** _ _**another** _ _**infinity** _ _**.** _ _**I** _ _**will** _ _**never** _ _**forget** _ _**you** _ _**.** _

_I_ _take_ _the_ _pendent_ _locket_ _from_ _the_ _back_ _of_ _it_ _,_ _I_ _notice_ _his_ _ring_ _that_ _I_ _guess_ _Ian_ _gave_ _him_ _is_ _the_ _chain_ _as_ _well_ _._ _I_ _put_ _it_ _on_ _and_ _smile_ _. He wasn't_ _happy_ _,_ _and_ _I_ _had_ _no_ _chance_ _of_ _stopping_ _it_ _but_ _I_ _know_ _he_ _loves_ _me_ _and_ _doesn't_ _want_ _not_ _to_ _see_ _me_ _grow_ _up_ _._


	2. You OK? (Platonic Caddimoose)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian seems to be a good person to talk to when you're sad. Version 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off a one shot by Hannah on WP

 

"James?" I look down at the man curled up on the bed,head in hands and skin purely tear stained. Luke had escorted him up here after he found him having a breakdown in the bathrooms. Jimmy had called Shane to come to our room after the late night panel he was at,as you know Brits understand Brits? I don't know.

He turns over,still not noticing that he wasn't alone,and his croaky voice  utters  something inaudible. I try again to get his attention:"James? You OK? I'm not going to force you to come down,but I do want to talk to you." I get no response or a slight bit of  acknowledgment  he'd heard me. I slowly remove his shoes and socks to reveal his pale skin and he tucks them under his body. "So you are awake?" I get a sniffle as I lie next to him. "So, are you going to talk to me? Or are you going to sulk all night?" I grab his hand and run my finger over the Odd- world mark on the back,trying to stop the red tear marks and nail scratching away. James sharply pulls it away; curls up tighter to his chest and weakly replies to me:"Go away Ian. I want to be alone right now. Just leave... Please?" He burst back into tears and I run my soft hand over his body,the coldness of them contrasts the fever like feel of the curl up,crying James. He tries to kick me off but is too tired and weak to succeed.

"You know,kicking me isn't gonna solve getting me to leave you,but talking to me will." James goes back to having his blotchy red face planted into the pillow;legs interlocked with each other. "James. I'm worried about you. Whatever is wrong,even if you're got con flu,I would like to know an answer". I lie next to him and hear his ragged breathing and crying. Should I leave him? He's not gonna cheer up any time soon. I run my cold fingers up James' spine and he softly makes contact with them with his feet. I stop and find his hands again;which were tucked under his stomach. I slowly hold his hand,resting my fingers on the back of his hand. I unlock them after a minute or so,choosing to draw patterns on his palm instead. "You know that I love you and I can't bare to see you like this. Its hell." I lean against the headboard and pull out my phone,liking and retweeting stuff I want to;trying not to wake James,who I assumed by the silence,had fallen asleep.

I feel someone lie on my chest. I look down to find James there,arms round my waist. "You're warm aren't you?" I brush my hand over his hair. He just buries himself into my top. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for kicking you." His voice breaks at the end, signifying he is still upset. I pull him further up,so his head is on my shoulder. "You OK now? Its OK if you don't have a reason for being like that. He shakily answers my question:" Rosie has.... Has died. Th-this morning. Mum phoned me to tel me-" the rest of his sentence turns to muffled;inaudible words." I hold him closer. "Oh,James. You should of said,I rock him slowly;like you do to a baby. " Ian. I feel sick. I feel like its my fault. Everything is spinning,my head hurts." As he talks,his breathing gets quicker and quicker. I rub circles into his back and he relaxes further into me. "Do... Do you want me to get you anything. A drink? Anything to eat?" James doesn't reply so I slowly rub his back again and again,James place planted himself further into me. I readjust him so I can get up if need be. I start to run my fingers over his hair and I feel James get heavier. He had  fallen asleep on me. "This is kinda cute." I take a quick photo and  put it on social media.   
~~~~~~~~~~  
I don't know how long James slept on me before Luke and Jeff returned with Shane and Jirad. Luke awws  and carried him in his arms for a bit around the room; before placing him on the bed,under the covers of it, and sits on the couch. I tell Shane and other others about him falling asleep on me. This was followed by Jeff talking about what do we say at the panel. Someone is going to ask about it. We'll have to tell them. James won't want to,he's too tired and upset to work out what's going one.

I ended up lying next to James for a while. He is pretty cute asleep and I like cute humans. He has always felt like a little sibling to me. And I don't enjoy seeing people close to me upset.

 


	3. Depressing #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul's worst ending did more to HB than for them to have a bad reputation for guns on campus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for Drabble academy on tumblr

“James! James! Where the hell are you?” I sprint down the corridor of the Arts Centre,Jeff's news running through my head. I normally hate James but what happened; what I found addressed to Luke in our dorm,means I need to fine him. Quick. I don't care about Normal Boots winning or that Hana,a newbie,beat me. I need to find my fellow club member. 

I run to Poppy Hall and climb to the roof. No James. The lockers outside my room. No James. The canteen. No James. As I sprint in despair to Bluebell,I bump into the worst people: Mimi and Kakusu. Mimi looks happy. Too happy. “Looking for someone Ian?” Her smirky grin sends a surge of nerves up my spine. I keep it cool:”Yeah. James. I need to shout at him.” Kakusu answers this time:”I saw James Caddick looking upset as you guys say walking towards BlueBell 10.56 minutes ago”. I thank them and speed up to the dorms. I hear Mimi shout in the distance:”Are you rubbing in he's been expelled? Cause Mai has beaten you to it!” That comment scare me more. 

I ran up the stairs to the floor where Jimmy and Caddy's dorm was. I wrap my hands over the door knob,preparing the scene I'll see on the other side. My head thinks back to the time I first met him. The tournaments we won. I wish. I wish I could save him. I know he's probably dead behind this door. But I don't want to believe it. 

I slowly open the door and look onto the dorm carpet. The scene wasn't as gruesome as I thought. James was lying on the floor by the bunk bed,a gun gripped in his right head. The right side was oozing scarlet blood. “James. Yell. Scream. Say something. James!” I cradle his weak,reg doll like body in my arms. He was still warm. HE WAS STILL BREATHING. “James… Please don't die. I don't think I'll be able to live without you…” I burst into tears and slowly run my hands through his hair;covering my hands in more of his blood. I hear a weak “Ian…” I look down to feel his hand clasped around mine. I smile a bit. “Hey. You be OK…” I hear Jimmy and Luke come up to the room and I hold onto James closer. I am not letting go. Even if it looks like I hurt him. He's not gonna die.   
~~~~~~~  
The last thing I remember is Creeps pulling me off the now cold James. He was… he was dead. I kept on crying and crying. Its her fault. Hana needs to pay for the life she took…


	4. Caddy (Sad Fluff)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is sad and short

I silently walk to the small figure lying in the room and sit down. "Hey...." I get a faint reply back and James turns to face me. His eyes are bloodshot and I can see the staples in his head under the white dressing over them to keep them clean. His white hospital gown  is ruffled and he looks exhausted. The wires connected to the heart monitor are the only neat thing on the bed. Machines beep and communicate with each other. I notice that there were electrodes on James' scalp,sans hair. IVs and other needle based lines were in his arms and wires are coming out of his feet seems to say on there as well; and I see the finger clip thing and blood pressure cuff were still there from earlier. I grab his hand and run my finger over his palm. "You're a sick puppy aren't ya?" He curls up his fingers to cover my hand and he rest his head on my shoulder. A doctor comes in and they talk all medical to the other person in the room- James' dad. I stop listening and watch him slowly fall back asleep. Why us? He was fine a few days ago. Wasn't he? 

Caddy. A British weirdo. My British weirdo. His hazel eyes normally gleam with happiness and hyperactivity. When I first met him at SGC 2014,well the airport,he nearly knocked my coffee put of my hands. He was always like that. Never a dull moment. The time he said I was cute. That was the start. The time he was upset and I lost it at the guy who upset him. That hardcore series. When I surprised him. All is now a memory. He's sick and I will never get used to it. 

Caddy. The guy who annoyed Shane a lot. The guy who would hang over the bed and make annoying noises that I didn't know humans could make. The laughter that was so unique. He could make something serious lighthearted. He was the one who thought punning Hidden Block to make it a innuendo for Coming out will be silly. His instagram is the one with zoom in of his dogs face. The one who face swaps and swears by accident. The wrong type of person to be super sick so they're in hospital. Or ICU. It sounds like a fanfic of some sort,not real life. 

Caddy. I wish I was at home when he collapsed. He'd had headaches for a few weeks,but I never thought it was not normal. He'd said he was fine so I left him. To go to a meeting. I should of known that if someone has had a headache for 3 weeks straight so bad it hurts to walk around that they may need to go to the hospital. I'm the worst aren't I? 

"Ian? You OK?" Caddy's dad Chris looks over and I snap out of my trance. "Yeah. I'm fine." I look down to find James is fast asleep. I tidy the sheet covering him in the gown and slowly get up. My back aches from sitting for hours on the floor. The things I do for him. I head home, hoping that tomorrow will be better. 

Caddy. A person I'm gonna miss very badly when he's gone. Caddy. A person who lights up my life. Caddy. The man who is too precious to be sick. Ever. Caddy. The man who's lying in hospital super unwell and I can't do anything. Caddy. The one I love.


	5. My Juicy Friends (Rosie Caddick/Professor Juice) [sorta fits HB]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in Jan and forgot to post it. Oops

Rose's POV  
I switch on my camera and focus it. It's weird. I don't want to film this but I need to. The comments keep asking why I have been away and on both YouTube and Nico's recent Twitch stream. I cried myself to sleep because of these past events. But I need to. The fans need to know. What happened affects them and my whole life. 

I brush and flattened my clothes and adjust the tripod but don't press record. My stomach is doing flips and leaps,I'm so scared of the aftermath of this update. Will they leave me? Will they ruin Buddy Games? I re read through my notes and sigh. I have to do this. He'd would of wanted them to know. I see my mum walk up the stairs and put the boxes in the spare room. The boxes from his house. His stuff. Now no use. She smiles at me sympathetically:"Telling YouTube then? If you don't want to film it you can just write a post and record audio-" she puts the box down and hugs me tight. I reply: "I am gonna be on camera. These people made both mine and his world and they deserve to see I'm OK." She leaves and I wipe my eyes and press record:

Hello,my juicy,juicy friends and welcome to my update video. I'm sorry I haven't uploaded,like a said in a stream I was in with Nico on Thursday, a ton of personal stuff have gone on recently and I need to tell you this. I wish this video wasn't gonna be sad,so I'm going to start with the good stuff first. Because even when my life crumpled,rays of light happen. 

First up. I'm moving in a month or so. Me and Nico are moving to Brighton, aka YouTube capital to benefit our channels and work. It means that Buddy Games will be filmed differently, but you guys won't really notice. This is the best news in this video,I'm going to be free and have the power to stream more and be more active with uploads. It'll be a new era for Pro Juice and I can't wait to take it. 

Number two. I am working on a secret project right now,I was a bit before the mayhem of my life kicked off so you will have that to look forward to in the new year. I'm amazing excited to show you guys and you'll love it, but like most YouTube projects,it takes time I am sorry. And as I am going on a break for a couple months because of my next and final reason,I wish you had the surprise to enjoy. 

My last announcement...is my life changed on the 2nd October. A couple of days before,my brother,James if you don't know,had come home after he'd ended his long term relationship. He was in such a state,both physically and mentally,he- he needed medical help. The whole of the 1st he spent curled up and kept washing and neatening his body,cutting nearly all his hair out and scrubbing his skin raw red. I wish wed known and taken him to A&E. But. We didn't. We called the Emergency Mental Health team as he isn't registered as leaving nearby. But even them coming early tomorrow wasn't help. It was too late. 

Me and mum went out to walk Angus early morning. When- when- *voice breaks* when we returned,Jim had locked himself in the bathroom and slit his wrists. By the time we returned,it was too late. He's gone. He took his own life,I'm sorry. 

I turn record off,tears freely cascading down my cheeks. Just thinking about that day made me cry. We couldn't save him. He was too far gone mentally. I wipe my eyes and look at my camera. At least I've dome it. 

I told them. The Juicy Friends. Beautiful People. Caddicts. Whatever they call themselves. At least they know and can support me. I just wish it wasn't his doing- his death. It just makes me feel even more guilty.


	6. I wish I could hug you through Skype (Caddimoose)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to post this

I blow on another tissue and chuck it into the bin in my office. It's been 12 hours and I'm still in tears. My eyes are bloodshot and sore from it and I've been in the same curl up position on my chair;my muscles ache, especially in my back and I don't feel well. Like. Burnt out but not. I'm tired, but my mind is racing. Was it my fault?. 

"Go. Go and never come back you selfish man. You only care about your channel. Nothing else. You really are the scum of the earth." Last night's event replays in my mind,and I fall off my office chair,landing with a loud smack on the wooden floor. I kick the chair upright from the floor and use it to lean against and makes getting up a lot easier. The pain starts. My head is throbbing as I sit down on the chair and rest my head in my hands. It hurts alright. 

By this point I am basically falling asleep in the position I'm in,head still banging from hitting it. There's a bump alright;its sore on about half my head. I'm alone tonight. I could get some food and drink but that means getting down the stairs and driving to the shops. And I don't think I'd make it without increasing the pain in my head. This is when the Skype tone blares out of the speakers on my PC, waking me up. I clumsy open the tab and see the person:Ian MacLeod. What did Ian want? I thought he was mad at me? 

Flashback-   
"You did what?... JAMES. that doesn't work! Didn't SGC teach you that isn't how you make that!" Ian was fed up. I was on my last leg of energy in my sleep deprived body. "Ian,there is no need to lose it over something Caddy did in editing the video" Jeff butts in. Jimmy nods in agreement. Ian sighs and scowls:"It is,when I TAUGHT him at SGC how to do it! AND AS USUAL he flipping forgets." He seethes through his teeth, towering over me over the Skype call. I shuffle back. "Ian. If you can't be calm and nice,leave the call and come back when you can be pleasant!" Jeff adds. Ian screams about how stupid I am and leaves the call. Jimmy looks at me kindly:"Go to bed, you're tired. Your body will thanks you." I wipe the forming tears from my eyes and reply: "I'm fine Jimmy. I need to finish up before I do that." Jeff and him look at me and they carry on. I must of fallen asleep as I don't remember anything else about it...

I answer the call and see Ian's face, hair neat he must of been filming a video. "Hey,you OK?" I slowly ask him,so my voice wouldn't break. Ian smiles and looks at my tear stained face. "I came to apologise for being a douche in that  call,but you look worse than I was expecting. You OK?" I nod. "I accept your apology. Yeah I'm fine. Relationship ended but that's really it." Ian speaks,a lot calmer than I thought:"I'm sorry. You got somewhere to live." I burst back into tears and he recoils. "*sniff* I'm sorry I'm like this, emotions everywhere. I have not a roof over my head right now,as I move my stuff out. Gonna live with mum and Rose for a bit while I look for a house. *sniff* I'm just a overloaded right now." Ian calmly smiles and speaks with less force:"If I could hug you through Skype I would right now. If you need someone to rant at. I'll be here." I didn't want him to end the call. "Ian. Wait." He stops midway before pressing 'end call'. "C-c-can you stay on here. I'm lonely and I fell and my head hurts and I feel sick and-" Ian cuts me off, "Of course!" He's loudness makes me jump. "I'm sorry. I'll stay here with you. Might have to go some editing, but I'll keep the window open so you aren't alone" he smiles. I go and clean myself up a bit and grab a blanket from the recording sofa. 

Ian must of stayed on the line for a long time. He encouraged me to go and get something to eat. Just having someone there was... Confecting. I was a mess by 4am so Ian left to let me sleep. I know if I did but I remember waking up on the sofa,the sunlight from the window blinding me. 

What would I do without me friends?


End file.
